Imagine that you spent hours thinking about gifts that might make him happy. Hundreds of dollars buying those things. Imagine that even after giving him those things, he couldn’t stop talking about how amazing it was that SHE bought him towels and shower gel. Imagine that he said that he doesn’t buy gifts for people and that’s why you’ve never received one. Imagine that you now realize that he bought gifts for HER.  Lots of them.  Expensive ones. Imagine that the one gift he bought you was simply to mask the fact that he kept buying things for HER and wanted his mother to believe that he was just buying gifts for all of his friends. Imagine that he gave HER money for Christmas because SHE needed it.  Imagine that a few months later, he asked to borrow money from you. And that you gave him the money. Imagine wondering if your money bought HER gifts.

Imagine that whenever he expressed doubts about himself, when he questioned his worth, you were as supportive and encouraging as possible.  Imagine that you kept telling him how much he was worth, in word and in action, all the while questioning your own.

Imagine that you told him that you love him and that he responded by telling you that he doesn’t look at you that way.  Imagine that he told you a few weeks later that he has realized that he is in love with HER, has been all those months that you’ve been friends.  Imagine that he cannot believe that SHE said SHE can’t reciprocate his feelings.  Imagine that he doesn’t understand how SHE refuses to acknowledge what their conversations and time spent together means.  Imagine that you were trying to wrap your brain around the fact that he isn’t attracted to you, doesn’t want to be intimate with you.  Imagine that he is telling you that he just wants to be close to HER, that he just wants to kiss HER, hold HER, experience intimacy with HER.  Imagine that you and he are in your thirties.  Imagine that SHE is fifty eight. 

Imagine how it feels to sit with him as he weeps over HER.  Imagine that he tells you that it’s “nothing against you” but he wishes that SHE was the one sitting with him, comforting him.  Imagine that you think you’re important, that you’ve convinced yourself that at least you can take comfort in being his best friend. Imagine that he tells you that SHE is the one person that he doesn’t think he can live without, that SHE makes him believe that there’s some truth to that age old saying about marrying your best friend. 

HBF

So, after claiming my new years resolution was to jump in feet first for meeting new people, I have decided to do the ‘me’ thing first and get myself happy and healthy again.  Regaining control of my life, whether it be finances, my apartment, my health etc. is my new focus and hopefully a nice side-affect will be meeting some new people.  I’m trying to shake the negative thoughts that have accumulated over the years about men and dating, try to stay a bit more carefree and remind myself that I am worth it and worthy of real love.  I need to stop comparing myself to my past or others and embrace my quirks, gifts and situation.

So here are some things I’m want to focus on that are all about me:

• I want to start meditating (nothing too intense, but just taking some time each day to stop, be silent and reflect)
• Take better care of myself (gym, vitamins, healthy diet…you know, all that fun stuff)
• Use my creativity (get into my photography again, and find new ways of expressing myself creatively)
• Gain control of my Finances (not that they’re out of control, but just to be better at budgeting etc!)
• Not let my school life consume me (by keeping in touch with friends, going to lectures, exhibits, films etc.)
• Stop watching TV until the early hours! (rather spend that time reading and catching up on things that interest me)

I know this seems like a bit of an intense list, but if I break it down and make these small things part of my routine, they are achievable.  It’s about creating priorities and having the will-power to take those first steps….and maybe just writing this all done, is one of them!

Woody Allen

So as women we have little difficulty (at times) stripping down and getting dirty after the first few hour of knowing somebody.  Yes, this act is often alcohol induced, but none the less we don’t think twice about the random one night stand when needed, or desperately needed in some instances.

After the night is over and we’re fully clothed, when the hang over is quelled with a greasy brunch and we pick up where we left off, we begin processing our thoughts of the night before and our next steps, alone and with the supportive perspective of friends.  Thoughts of composing the text, email, facebook invite or telephone call begin to consume our thoughts as we ponder over wtf we should be doing or not doing for that matter.  Instantly we begin worrying about how he’ll interpret that text, we analyze with friends exactly when we should press the “send” button and precisely how many lines and exclamation points are appropriate…or that won’t scare him off.  He may be doing the same, this is another thought we have; what’s he thinking, when will he be in touch, do I hit “send” before he does, will that seem needy or is he waiting for me because he’s so smitten and nervous he doesn’t know what to say.  At the same time we begin having flashbacks of the night before and the somewhat foggy memory of what went on; were we any good, whether the alcohol unleashed some of the sex kitten moves used only with men we’ve been very comfortable with in the past…and sadly in some instances, what he looks like.

So basically I put the question out to you ladies…how is it that we can exchange bodily fluids so quickly and easily (figuratively as the hopeful are all about safe sex!) but we freeze up when texting “hey, how are u doin today!”

I also met another guy last weekend and after a few brief moments of bar chat, he asked for my phone number. I gave it to him, he called two days later and since, we’ve had a couple of phone conversations and are actually meeting this evening for an in-person chat. Although I’m not feeling super-pumped about the date or the conversation thus far, I figure I shouldn’t close myself off to the chance to meet someone interesting, even if there’s no romantic spark. If nothing else, it will be a “mock date” — practice for future dating opportunities!

I’ve wholeheartedly come to realize something quite significant in my life over the past week or so. I have come to the conclusion that I haven’t been emotionally whole and healthy for a long time (which I attribute to a painful, drawn-out breakup that seemed to consume my life for waaaay too long). I thought I was over it. I wasn’t. I think that now, the only reason that I have met a few guys and have been dating over the past couple of months is because I am finally there emotionally. And this is incredibly empowering!

My primary man interest is going home to visit his family for over 2 weeks, and he’s leaving on Friday. He has to travel a really far distance to see them, and by the time he’s back in town, I will likely be away. So it’ll probably be about a month that we’ll go without seeing one another. Although I’ll miss him, I am curious to see what this distance creates. Will it make him realize how amazing I am and how he never wants to let me go? Will he miss me? Will we communicate while he’s gone? I know he likes me, will this trip make him consider what he wants relationship-wise?

While all this is happening, I continue to “go with the flow”, and obsess with my friends in private. This is what we do, us girls. We need our girlfriends to bring us back down to earth, to give us reality checks and to tell us when we’re being morons.

If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that’s not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t ‘be friends’. A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend.

Don’t settle.

If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don’t stay because you think ‘it will get better’.

You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who’ve got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.

He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man’s behaviour. Change comes from within.

Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are…Even if he has more education or in a better job.

Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else’s man.

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending…Compromise is two way street.

You need time to heal between relationships…There is nothing cute about baggage…

Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you…A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals…

Look for someone complimentary…not supplementary.

Dating is fun…even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes…when a man always know where you are, and you’re always readily available to him – he takes it for granted.

Never move into his mother’s house. Never co-sign for a man.

Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn’t give you everything that you need.

Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in relationships that are abusive or hurtful.

You should know that:You’re the best thing that could ever happen to anyone and if a man mistreats you, he’ll miss out on a good thing.

If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he’s not the only one.

They’re all watching you, so you have a lot of choices. Make the right one.

Ladies take care of your own hearts….

Since my last blog about my new guy he and I have continued to date.  We see each other on a fairly regular basis, have a great time together when we’re out, have sleep overs and generally get along great!  After being away for a week he said he was glad I was back, he texts out of the blue and follows through on everything.  Amazing right!?! I really like this guy and am very excited about where this might be going but why can’t I allow myself to be on cloud nine?

My best guess is that for me my worries lie in the notion that history is the best predictor and my history tells me that my great dating situations have a two month expiry date.  I told a follow hopeful once that “everyone seems nice in the beginning” which  always seems to be the case, nice at first and then something happens to send him packing, generally around two months into dating. 

So seeing as I met my new guy about a month ago I can’t help question if I only have another month or so before I end up feeling that pang of disappointment yet again.  I know I can’t punish him for other people’s inadequacies but now I feel like I need to keep a level head about this, despite the fact that I’m thrilled about the potential that this could become an actual relationship. 

So I suppose in keeping with my new year’s resolution, to date differently in 2010, I’m going to continue to enjoy every minute of my found crush  and remain cautiously optimistic that this one will actually outlast my dating expiration date.

All the signs were there that he was interested, but I obviously misread them, because after taking my number, he hasn’t called (and it’s been long enough to know he won’t, or if he does, it’s little too late!).  So this is where I get confused…how the hell are we supposed to decode signals from the opposite sex, when we can’t trust our instincts or sign decoding abilities anymore.  Instead, I feel like I make a fool of myself, by assuming (although I have back up from friends, there was reason to assume) that this guy was interested.  He told me I was beautiful (too many times, it got embarrassing), he had is arm around me, we were comfortable together even though we’d just met.  In my eyes, all signs pointed to at least a phone call and meeting up again…but maybe in his eyes, it was an attempt at a bit of casual sex, and since I wasn’t going there at the end of the night, he lost interest in between taking my number and giving me a hug goodbye and me walking out the door.

I try to reassure myself, with the ‘ol, “it’s his loss” or “at least I didn’t waste any time on it” etc etc., but the reality is, I’m very disappointed.  Not necessarily just in him not calling, but in the fact that I’ve become an untrusting, cynical person when it comes to meeting guys, mostly because of situations like this, where I think there is a chance of meeting again and then I just get let down.  There are only so many “his loss” conversations I can take and then I just feel like the one losing out.  They don’t even know what they missed out on, cause they didn’t take the time to get to know me, so it’s like shouting into the wind, there’s no one there anymore to hear you.

In the days following meeting cute bar guy, I worried that I’d entered my number wrong in his phone or that I should have taken his number too, so at least I’d feel like I still had a bit of control over the situation and it wasn’t all in his hands.  However, I seem to remember in He’s Just Not Into You, they mentioned something about warning signs of a guy taking your number, but not give you his.  That is a guy is really into you and wants to talk to you again, he’ll exchange numbers with you, not just one way.  He wants to guarantee he’ll hear from you.  I guess the bright side of all this meeting guys BS, is that I can try to learn something about men and dating from each encounter, so I guess this time, it’s to even out the playing field and EXCHANGE numbers, not just give him mine.  Doesn’t necessarily stop him from not calling back, but at least it keeps it a bit more level at the beginning and I don’t wonder if I mistyped my number.

It think the over all point of He’s Just Not… is that if someone isn’t making the effort to talk to you and see you, then it’s that they can’t be bothered and to be honest, who wants to wait around for a call from someone who can’t be bothered!!  So, I try to remind myself that I’m worth more and someone will come along that realises that.  And if trying to date someone that doesn’t, means I might miss out on someone that does, then they’re right, don’t call me back, cause I’ve got better things to do!

So question for all you out there, what are some tried and true ways of telling a guy is interested?  We spend a lot of time on when he’s not, but if we want to avoid those situations all together, I need a little help with my decoding skills!